Forgiveness does not erase the past, but looks upon it with compassion.
To withhold forgiveness keeps alive emotions of hurt, anger and blame which discolour your perception of life.
To forgive, avoid ruminating on thoughts of being wronged. Rather, trust the power of forgiveness to heal the hurt and pain.
By holding on to pain and resentment, you suffer because the sorrow is intensified to keep it alive.
Learning how to forgive your spouse or partner is one of the most important ingredients in a successful relationship. And since to Err is human, you will have plenty of opportunities to apply forgiveness in a marriage or long-term relationship, and the same holds true for your partner.
Relationships—like the people that comprise them—are dynamic, evolving things. This means change, movement, growth—none of which can happen without mistakes.
Also, It is important to accept that we all have separate minds and points of view. Each and every one of us is hurt, defended, flawed and inevitably going to make mistakes. Having this perspective doesn’t mean we should sit back and withstand abuse. However, if we want to enjoy a lasting relationship with someone we value and choose to spend our lives with, we may want to grow our ability to forgive.
Enter forgiveness…
- Forgiveness is a bridge that deepens intimacy;
- Forgiveness is a balm that heals the emotional wounds that threaten to divide you and your partner.
In practicing forgiveness, people are able to break a cycle that so many couples get into, where there is an ongoing, destructive back and forth, and no one really wins.
Couples who do practice forgiveness show more behavioral regulation and have more positive motivation toward their partner. In other words, they drop the case rather than holding a grudge or harboring resentment. Instead, they put effort into maintaining a positive relationship, in which they are less hostile or punishing.
Why forgive?
There’s a famous quote that goes: ‘Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.’ Forgiveness isn’t just about retaining harmony in your relationship; it’s also about being kind to yourself. If you’re not careful, anger can eat away at you and even affect your attitude towards relationships in the future, making you feel more defensive or untrusting.
Building forgiveness..
Forgiveness is a skill. Try to learn to build it into your relationship on a day to day basis. By learning to let go of the little things, you’ll be able to avoid the kinds of petty conflicts that, over time, can begin to erode away at a relationship.
Think about the outcome you want
In dealing with relationship conflicts, we sometimes lose track of our goals. It’s important to emphasize cooperative over competitive goals, in other words, to share the common goal of getting back to being close as opposed to the competitive goal of winning the argument. Always remember, “You may win the battle, but you’ll lose the war.”
Try to recognize the ways you may be hurting yourself and the relationship by acting out hostility, coldness or holding a grudge. This process doesn’t mean dismissing the things that matter to you, but it does mean talking about them in ways that will enhance your partner’s understanding and help you stay on a track, so both of you get the outcome you want.
Although forgiveness represents harmony between two (or more) people, it will always be, first and foremost, a gift you give yourself.
Are you ready to make forgiveness a regular part of your relationship?