Welcome to the world of marriage through online portals, where romance meets algorithms, and love is just a well-curated bio away!
Chapter 1: The Profile – Marketing Yourself for Love
Setting up your profile on a matrimonial website is like writing a résumé, but instead of listing job experience, you’re casually bragging about how well you make chai. I remember staring at the “About Me” section for hours. What could I possibly say that would scream, “I’m marriage material!” without sounding like I was also trying too hard? After all, how do you encapsulate the essence of you into 200 characters or less?
- Hobbies: Stalking dogs I can’t own on Instagram , binge-watching crime documentaries so I can pretend to be a detective.
- Strengths: Exceptional ability to ignore text messages for 3-5 business days.
- Weaknesses: None. (Or is that my biggest one?)
Of course, once you’ve filled out the basics, it’s time to upload the photos. If a picture is worth a thousand words, then I was going to need to heavily edit at least half of them. After all, this is no ordinary Instagram feed — this is my shot at love. You want to look approachable, but not too approachable. Smiling, but not in a way that screams, “Please marry me now or I’ll die alone.”
Chapter 2: The Search – Swipe, Scroll, Repeat
Once you’ve successfully entered the portal (both figuratively and literally), you’re thrown into a vast sea of profiles. Every person on these platforms seems to come with their own unique brand of quirkiness. From the “I love long walks on the beach” cliché to the “I am seeking a wife who can cook like my mother” deal-breaker, it’s a wild ride.
And let’s not forget the family involvement. With some profiles, you’re not just swiping right or left on the potential match, but also their extended family. One wrong click, and you’re on the phone with their great-aunt discussing the finer points of wedding dates that align with astrological charts. It’s a group project, except everyone wants an opinion on what colour the napkins should be.
Scrolling through profiles is a lot like browsing for a new car. You’re looking for the right make, model, and mileage. But instead of “Fuel efficient, driven carefully,” you’re reading, “Good family values, enjoys spontaneous trips to the mountains, vegetarian preferred.”
But then, after swiping through endless profiles, you come across The One — someone whose bio hits all the right notes, whose photos are a perfect mix of attractive and approachable, and who doesn’t seem like they’ll ask you to quit your job after marriage. You send a request to connect, and thus begins the age-old dance of online courtship.
Chapter 3: The Conversations – A Virtual First Date
Once you’ve matched with a potential suitor, it’s time to initiate conversation. And let me tell you, if you thought real-life first dates were awkward, then you’ve clearly never tried navigating the intricate dance of online matrimonial small talk.
- Me: “So, what do you do for fun?”
- Them: “I enjoy spending time with my family, meditating, and cooking wholesome meals. How about you?”
- Me: “Uhh… I like to rewatch The Office for the 7th time and eat unhealthy amounts of takeout?”
It’s important to strike a balance between making a good impression and staying authentic. But online conversations are a minefield of miscommunication. What if your joke about preferring your pizza with extra cheese and no vegetables gets taken seriously, and suddenly you’re labelled a non-nutritious eater? The stakes are high.
Some conversations move smoothly, filled with witty banter and shared interests. Others? Well, let’s just say not every chat is destined for “happily ever after.”
- Them: “Do you know how to make ghee?”
- Me: “No, but I know how to order it online. Does that count?”
Chapter 4: The Parental Pressure – Why Are You Still Single?
It wouldn’t be an online marriage portal adventure without a healthy dose of parental involvement. At some point, you’re bound to get “the talk.” You know, the one that starts with your parents casually saying, “So, any updates?” but really means, “Why aren’t you married yet? Are you planning to be single forever?”
What parents fail to understand is that finding love online isn’t as simple as clicking “Add to Cart” and selecting Express Shipping. There’s a process, and this process involves reading between the lines of vague profiles, avoiding creeps, and trying not to sound like a complete weirdo in your DMs.
But for your parents, there’s a ticking clock. They’ve already started envisioning your future wedding, complete with a guest list of people you barely know but who absolutely must be invited. Every time you log into your matrimonial profile, there’s this subtle pressure hovering over you, like the ghost of weddings yet to come.
Chapter 5: The Meeting – Real Life vs. Online Expectations
Eventually, if things go well, you decide to meet in person. This is where the rubber meets the road — or, more accurately, where the person you’ve been chatting with suddenly becomes a 3D human being. Meeting in real life is like a reality check for everything you’ve envisioned. The person who seemed so perfect online might laugh like a hyena or have a strange fascination with conspiracy theories.
There’s always the awkward pause when you first meet, as both of you size each other up, trying to figure out if your online chemistry translates to real life. Spoiler alert: sometimes it doesn’t.
But sometimes, it does. And when it does, there’s magic in realising that the person you’ve spent weeks (or months) chatting with is even better in person. You might bond over mutual awkwardness, laugh at how surreal this whole process is, and finally let your guard down.
Chapter 6: The Endgame – Is This It?
If you’ve managed to make it this far — past the online chats, the family interrogations, and the in-person meetings — congratulations, you’re on the verge of entering the final phase: the proposal. This isn’t your average rom-com where someone gets down on one knee in a park filled with fairy lights. This is the moment when both families gather around a table and negotiate the finer points of your future life, like who’s paying for the wedding and which city you’ll live in.
And before you know it, you’re engaged! You’ve done it — you’ve successfully navigated the wild world of online marriage portals and come out the other side, ring in hand, ready to face the next chapter of your life: planning a wedding without losing your sanity.
Final Thoughts
Marriage portals may seem like a strange new frontier, but in a way, they’re just the modern version of how people have always found love — with a little help from family and some trial and error. Sure, it’s not always romantic, and it comes with its fair share of awkward conversations and cringe-worthy profiles. But at the end of the day, it’s just another way to meet someone who might be your perfect match.
And who knows? Maybe someday you’ll be laughing with your spouse about how it all began — with a poorly lit profile picture and a bio that mentioned chai a little too often.
#MarriageGoals #OnlineLove